This transcript concerns only the part of the show that Orlando appears in.

His entrance... (Before this, Graham Norton interviewed Cilla Black and Cybill Shepherd)

Graham Norton puts on a Gandalf- style beard and wig. He holds a walking stick like a staff.

GRAHAM: I am Gandalf! One ring to bind them  all and in the darkness bind them! For I have a magic ring! well thats what they tell me Cybill! You alright there?

(Cybill Shepherd is cowering in her seat covering her eyes)

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Ooh!

(Grahams moustache starts to fall off)

GRAHAM: Ooh f**k!

Audience laughs

GRAHAM: Ah, now it has shown me such sights even unto the Crack of Doom! oh Betty, its not that bad!

(Betty, Grahams mascot/sidekick, a sweet old lady (she was his dinner lady at drama school), laughs.)

GRAHAM: Someone might be finding out quite soon!

(Earlier, they sent Cilla Black, who presents British TV show Blind Date, out to find a date for Betty and Cybill, who couldnt bear not being centre of attention!)

GRAHAM: Ah! But lo! Lo! I see.lega.lega.lassyla. anyway, I see the blond one with the bow and arrow! Ladies and Gentlemen its the GORGEOUS star of Lord Of The Rings and Black Hawk Down, please welcome Orlando Bloom!!!

Orlando comes out from behind shiny red curtains. Poison arrows is playing shoot that poison arrow to my heart, etc. He is wearing blue jeans, red and blue trainers (sneakers), a white vest under a cream shirt with tiny vertical lines on it, and a black leather jacket. Also he is wearing the two necklaces he always wears, a leather and shiny watch and a brass ring on his index finger. He walks left to the seats, lead by two muscly guys in legolas- style leggings and tunics. He points at them and laughs!

Graham grabs Orli by the arms.

GRAHAM: Hello! Welcome to the show!

Cybill beams at Orlando. He takes her hand.

ORLANDO: Hello!

Cybill drools.

They sit down.

GRAHAM: Welcome all!

ORLANDO: Aah!

GRAHAM: Aah! Cybills a bit I know!!! , you see

Cybill is leaning over, gazing at Orlando adoringly.

Audience laughs.

Cybill strokes Orlis shoulder.

CYBILL: Dont be scared, I wont hurt!

ORLANDO: Waah!

Everyone laughs.

GRAHAM: No, cause the thing is, no, cause look at you Cause youre IT now arent you!

ORLANDO: Am I!?   (Grins)

GRAHAM: Well do you know what I mean, cause obviously, Orlando Bloom, we knew who you were blah blah blah.

( a slight look of confusion crosses Orlis gorgeous face)

GRAHAM: But now, The new Leonardo di Caprio

ORLANDO: Leonardo di Caprio really? (frowns and clears throat. -I guess hes not thrilled at the comparison!)

GRAHAM: Seriously no. weve had. I dont know how many emailswe put an email search an internet search on your name (pauses) 29 THOUSAND results.

ORLANDO (laughs.) No. Really? (exhales)

GRAHAM: Yeeees! Yes! Apparently up to 50 fans joining the out clubs for you(dont ask me what the hell Grahams on about!) Is that weird?

ORLANDO: Yeah that is weird, especially since Im a technophobe, I havent I dont have an email address, I dont have a computer I just havent seen any of it!

GRAHAM: I think, just as well I have.

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: Is it scary? Oh great

GRAHAM: But is it, is it, are, are women now throwing themselves at you?

ORLANDO: Uuuum well, not really, they dont- I dont think- you know I have long blond hair in the movie and I dont think people really recognise me as yet.

CYBILL: I didnt.

Orlando nods and smiles at her.

CYBILL: Cute though!

Orlando grins at her.

GRAHAM: Well no, it is weird cause you do look SO differentthere you are... (Graham holds up a TV guide with Legolas and Galadriel on the cover)

CYBILL: Lets see how he looks in the

GRAHAM: Cause there you are see hes THAT one!

ORLANDO: Mmmm.

GRAHAM: Did you have to look like that? Is that how Leggylulu looks like in the book?

ORLANDO: Yeah hes kinda Leggy Leggylulu, I like that

GRAHAM: What is his name?

ORLANDO: Doesnt matter, Leggylulu works great!

Laughter

GRAHAM: I knew who you were cause you were blond

ORLANDO: Pointy-eared bow-twanger works too.

More laughter

GRAHAM: There you go! Cause the other thingyou started off as a very kind of, you know, normal actor, Guildhall, and youve done all the regular things, youve done, youve done

ORLANDO: National Youth Theatre

ORLANDO & GRAHAM TOGETHER: Casualty

GRAHAM: Londons Burning

ORLANDO: Nnnno

GRAHAM: You didnt do Londons Burning?

ORLANDO: No.

GRAHAM: Aaw!

ORLANDO: I know.

GRAHAM: You havent lived!

ORLANDO: Yeah I know!

GRAHAM: But you did do Midsomer Murders.

ORLANDO: Yeah I got that gig straight outwell, I got Lord Of The Rings, and then the very next day, I walked into thataudition and I, and I said, Well Ive just got Lord Of The Rings and they said Oh, well do you wanna do Midsomer Murders? and I was like, Yeahokay

GRAHAM: Did you die?

ORLANDO: Yeah, oh god, terribly, I died really badly!

GRAHAM: (excited)  Ooh tell all!

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: I got a I got a I got a pitchfork in the stomach, I went(Orlando mimes dying) Aaag aag aaargh! I did this AWFUL death thing, it was terrible.

CYBILL: What show is this? Everybody gets killed?

GRAHAM: Its this village, where the murder rate is higher than New York.

(Sorry Americans, bad taste I know!)

Laughter

ORLANDO: I know, its funny isnt it.

CYBILL: You know the murder rate here in London is higher than the murder rate in New York.

GRAHAM & ORLANDO: Is it really?

CYBILL: Well thats what they said on CNN.

GRAHAM: Oh well American stationthey would.

Everyone laughs. Orlando laughs the loudest. Cybill looks miffed.

Orlando drinks some water.

GRAHAM: The other thing thats very exciting, is that you have turned into merchandising

Graham picks up a Legolas doll from behind his chair.

CYBILL: Oh my gosh youre a doll!

ORLANDO: Im a doll, yeah. Isnt that great? Im a doll!

Graham struggles to open the box,

ORLANDO: You know hes only asking hes only trying to get it to open cause he wants me to play with myself dont you.

Everyone laughs.

GRAHAM: Do you know it hadnt crossed my mind!

ORLANDO: ,,,Hadnt crossed your mind!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Hang on do that now

ORLANDO: Isnt that great? Dont you think thats great? My kids gonna be able to play with mydoll!

CYBILL: Do you have a kid!?

ORLANDO: No! But when I DO  have a kid

GRAHAM: Not yet, Cybill!

Cybill laughs evilly.

GRAHAM: Ah, no, ah so now apparently when you do that(Graham pushes the Legolas dolls leg and its arm moves)

CYBILL: Aaaah!

(Legolas knife flies into the air)

ORLANDO: Ooh!

GRAHAM: Look at that-Oh! I was over- I was over- but now you

ORLANDO: You got a bit over- excited!

GRAHAM: Yeah! But now you can you can do this I think you can fire arrows!

ORLANDO: Yeah, Ive tried it actually, you have to get the arrows out of the box and you have to sort of(takes doll)

GRAHAM: Oh yeah, Ive seen arrows, arrows I have!

ORLANDO: Right, and then and then it act- (Graham hands Orli the arrows) yeah

GRAHAM: (Touching Orlandos arm) Its so sweet that you KNOW how to play with your doll!

ORLANDO: I know, isnt that great. (concentrating on the doll) Ive only

GRAHAM: Oh ooh oooh!

Orlando throws the doll into the air, giving up!

ORLANDO: Like that. You see! Like that!

GRAHAM: Very good! Very good, well done!

Audience laughs.

CYBILL: I wanna play with it!

Orlando passes it to her.

GRAHAM: Be nice!

CYBILL: (grinning evilly at the doll) Im very nice!

GRAHAM: There is a betterOh, look at that!

Cybill is tucking the Legolas doll down her dress. Orlando isnt looking at her.

ORLANDO: You know Im getting really (what? Scared?)

GRAHAM: Sorry, Im being distracted by what Cybills DOING  to you

ORLANDO (realising) Oh my god!

Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: I love it, I love it. Have you got a picture of that? That is fantastic.

GRAHAM: Yes!

Cybill squeezes the Legolas doll, making his arm move. It looks like he is doing a little dance in her cleavage. Audience laughs.

ORLANDO: Ive gotta get this on video.

GRAHAM: Ooh!

ORLANDO: Oh my god!

Everyone laughs and applauds.

GRAHAM: And quickly, quickly, what are you up to, what are you- what are you- what are you doing next?

ORLANDO: Im doing a film in Australia with Heath Ledger. (screws up face then smiles).

GRAHAM: Ooh, ooh, the, the Knights Tale?

ORLANDO: Yeah, the guy from Knights Tale, yeah, and its called Ned Kelly, hes playing Ned Kelly and Im gonna play this, um, this guy uh, one of his, his best mates, whos a bit of a ladies man its gonna be an (adopts accent) Irish accent kinda thing, itll be, itll be good. Ride around playing, horses

GRAHAM: (gasps)If you need ANY help with the accent

ORLANDO: Yes!

GRAHAM: Im local!

ORLANDO: Well Ill ring you.

GRAHAM: Yes! Well, ah it seems a good idea to put Heath Ledger in a big bucket, but there you goNow, ah, very excitingBetty? Are you all right there? Cor! QUIVERING with excitement! Ah, because Cillas available now, shes out in the streets SEARCHING  for hot talent for YOU Betty! All right! So, ah Ello Cilla, can you hear me?

(Graham brings up the screen on his computer. We see Cilla standing in front of a pub.)

CILLA: I can indeed Graham I can indeed!

GRAHAM: Oh there she is!

Audience cheer. Orli claps.

CILLA: Here I am outside the Mulberry bush pub. Im gonna be DESPERATE to find a date, for Betty and indeed, Cybill, if I can, so

(Orlando looks intrigued by Cilla bless her- Cybill gets jealous and puts her arm on Orlis chair.)

GRAHAM: Ah, Cilla, Cilla, can I stop you there?

CILLA: Yeah.

GRAHAM: Sadly, shes already CONSUMED Orlando Bloom.

Orlando laughs. Cybill cackles.

GRAHAM: And, ah, shes fine now

CILLA: Ok! The mission- Betty Mission lets go! Come on, lets go in the pub.

GRAHAM: Actually- oh, people in this pub are gonna go mad! Oh, ooh now!

CILLA (to a group of men ) Well Hello!

MAN: Hello!

CILLA: Whats your name?

DARREN: Im Darren.

CILLA: Youre Gareth?

DARREN: Darren.

CILLA: Darren! Where are you from Darren?

DARREN: Im from St Albans.

CILLA: St Albans! Are you married?

DARREN: I am indeed.

CILLA: Oh well no, we dont want  married, we cant do married.

GRAHAM: No! shes too old to be messing around.

Betty laughs.

CILLA: Hello sweetheart, whats your name?

DARREN 2: Darren.

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Darren! The whole worlds full of Darrens, Graham! are you married?

DARREN 2: Hello Graham!

GRAHAM: Hello!

CILLA: Are you married?

DARREN 2: No.

Audience gasps.

GRAHAM: Ooh! Hang on one second, Darren (turns around) Betty! Betty! What do you think?

BETTY: Not bad!

DARREN 2: Betty! I know Betty.

CILLA: Do you know Betty?

GRAHAM: What have you had her!?

DARREN 2: No but I watch your programme Graham.

GRAHAM: Oh right! Well do you- do you fancy a date with Betty?

DARREN 2: Whats the date?

GRAHAM: All right Cilla move on!

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Move on, move on! Thank you Darren thank you. Ooh eh ooh eh ooh eh!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: These are more like it Cilla!

CILLA: These are interesting Graham! Whats your name sweetheart?

ALEC: Im Alec.

CILLA: Hi Alec, where are you from sweetheart?

ALEC: Im from Kirkcaldy (some place in Scotland Ive probably spelled wrong!)

CILLA: Kirkcaldy oh I love Kirkcaldy!

ALEC: Do yer?

CILLA: Yes I do!

GRAHAM: Cilla youre looking for Betty not yourself!

Audience laughs.

CILLA: Are you married?

ALEC: No

(They talk amongst themselves)

GRAHAM: BettyBettyBetty you deaf old cow, Betty!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Do you like him?

BETTY: Noooo!

GRAHAM: Cilla?

CILLA: What?

GRAHAM: Weve had- sorry, sorry- weve had a thumbs down, sorry.

CILLA: (to Alec) Oh well youre not on anyway.

Audience laughs.

Cilla approaches handsome elderly man.

CILLA: Ooh this is interesting! Ive got good vibes.

CHARLES: Uh-uh.

CILLA: Believe me, my vibes are good for you. Whats your name?

CHARLES: Charles.

CILLA: Charles? And obviously youre Scottish as well

GRAHAM: Betty! Like him?!

Betty = thumbs up.

CILLA: Are you married?

CHARLES: Mmm hmmm!

CILLA: Oh hes married! Graham!

GRAHAM: Cilla, Cilla, she doesnt care, thumbs up! She likes him!

CILLA: Oh he doesnt care either!

GRAHAM: Fantastic Cilla Cilla bring him back! To the studio! Thanks a lot see you in a minute! Oh excellent! Thats it, join me, Cybill Orlando and Cilla for part 4 where well be getting kissy-kissy for the end of the series, see you after the break cheers!

(Orli claps and grins his cute grin)

(After the break)

GRAHAM; Welcome back, welcome back! Im here with the lovely Cybill Shepherd Orlando Bloom and Cilla Black! Yes!

Cheering. From left to right seated, Graham, Cilla, Orlando, Cybill.

GRAHAM: Cilla of course HOT back HOT back from finding Betty a mate! What was his name?

CILLA; Charles.

GRAHAM; Charles? And where is Charles now?

CILLA: Well just back there! (points to wall behind Orli.)

GRAHAM: Is he preparing himself!

CILLA: Yes. Hes ready, willing and MORE  than able Betty!

Betty and Audience laugh.

GRAHAM: I suggest a stiff drink! Can I just say- I feel a little sick! Anyway! Bettys moment of truth is on its way when shell be guiding Charles through those glistening curtains. Now-

Audience interrupts him by laughing.

GRAHAM: Theyre over there! (camera pans to shiny red curtains that Orli came through earlier.)

Laughter and applause.

GRAHAM: But no! It is the end of the series, its the end of the series and were all in a nostalgic mood tonight so we asked our audience to bring in a souvenir of their younger days, a defining objet, an aide-memoire, or to put it another way, a bit of old crap. So, er, come with me now Cybill Orlando and Cilla, as we play Moment Of Youth!

(They get up and move to the right where there is a set like a school classroom. Cilla, Orlando and Cybill sit down on chairs in that order from left to right, and Graham stands behind the teachers desk.)

GRAHAM: So what it is , is people have brought in things from their school days, just rubbish that theyve never bothered to throw away, foolishly! Now, er, ooh now what am  I looking for ooh this is brilliant, I love this(picks up school shirt covered with writing)  Whose is this?

(Girl stands up. Graham examines the shirt.)

GRAHAM: Now I happen to know your name isLauren, isnt it?

LAUREN: Yeah

GRAHAM: Cos this is one of those shirts, what was it, last day of school?

(In Britain we tend tosign each others shirts on the last day of school. I dont know why!)

LAUREN: Yeah

GRAHAM: But now I have to say- what sort of a reputation did you have in school Lauren?

Laughter.

GRAHAM: Cause how many people just put on it SLAG!

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: (reading) To Loz you sexy beast SLAG!

Laughter.

GRAHAM: Its all over it! Lauren what sort of girl where you!?

LAUREN: Well mostly that it was one of my boyfriends that, that wrote the big slag across the back.

CILLA: A little bit like-

GRAHAM: (interrupting Cilla) Er-

Audience laughs at Cillas expression.

LAUREN: I was really a nice girl!

CYBILL: Does it mean like a slut?

GRAHAM: No, again, its rather like loose. It means lovely.

CILLA: Like a slut?

GRAHAM: Yes alright, like a slut. In fact, its exactly the same. Thats a slut, over there in pink.

Lauren laughs. Audience laugh.

GRAHAM: No shes not! Now is this a posh school thing?

LAUREN: Nnno!

Graham: No- Im a slut! (laughs)

Audience laughs.

GRAHAM: Alright thank you for that Lauren, thank you.

(During this Orli keeps turning in his chair to see Lauren as shes more to the left. Consequently he turns his back on Cybill- Yay!)

GRAHAM: Now what is this? Why has someone brought their purse in? Oh its you!

KAREN: Karen.

GRAHAM: Karen, and why have you brought this in?

KAREN: Its got my belly button in there. Its 41 years old.

(Cries of Eurgh! From the audience.)

ORLANDO: Its got what? (twists in chair w/ a look of confusion on his gorgey face)

CILLA: A Bellybutton?

KAREN: My bellybutton.

CYBILL: (gasps and grabs Orlis arm.)

KAREN: Its my souvenir, my lucky charm.

ORLANDO (getting up) I wanna see that!

GRAHAM: What, youve got a 41 year old bellybutton in here?

KAREN: Dont lose it!

GRAHAM: (Getting it out) Look  away, look away-

CILLA: Oh god no, no, no!

Orli is craning his neck to see.

GRAHAM: Oh SWEET JESUS IN HEAVEN!

Laughter

GRAHAM: Im not sure but is this the best way to look at this- (points handheld camera at his palm) Can you cut that upon thething?

Laughter and screams.

CILLA: Oh god oh ah oh!

Orli gets up, looks at it, then sits down in a hurry!

GRAHAM: What- what- it looks like something that fell out of your ear!

KAREN: Turn it over.

GRAHAM: Sorry- sorry everybody, I am displaying it incorrectly!

Laughter

GRAHAM: Apparently it would look much different the other side- oh Im TOUCHING it now

Laughter

CYBILL: (drapes her cape over her head to hide from the bellybutton. Audience laughs. Orlando looks at her like shes crazy and laughs as well)

GRAHAM: No, cause THATS  better! It looks exactly the same! So what was that when you were a baby?

KAREN: My mum kept it and I happened to see it in a little box and I thought Ill have that as my lucky charm.

CYBILL: Are you saying it was your umbilical cord?

KAREN: Yes!

CYBILL: Thats what it is, its not her navel, it was the umbilical cord between her and her mother- (Graham holds it out to her) I dont wanna see! (Cybill covers her head again).

Laughter.

GRAHAM: Orlandos feeling sick now- it was interesting a minute ago- too much detail!

ORLANDO: Very thrilling.

Laughter

GRAHAM: Yeah! So it has brought you luck? Well who knows maybe itll help you win the competition tonight Ill just pop it back cause it would be TERRIBLE if you lost it!

KAREN: I would Graham!

GRAHAM: Very quickly-

CYBILL: You better wash your hands!

GRAHAM: Oh no I have- oh dont worry I will! Then very very quickly, very very quickly, whose is this? Lady up there, lady up there, up you get. Whats your name?

CAROLE: Carole.

GRAHAM: Carole, and what is it?

(Its a box with stickers, photos  and glitter all over it)

CAROLE: It represents my teen-age.

GRAHAM: Oh this represents her teenage here she is

CAROLE: I went to a convent!

GRAHAM: Shakin Stevens- and look, a very very high- look, a Saturday Super Store sticker! Thatscool.

Laughter

GRAHAM: Oh and there you are- there she is- loooook!

(Points to pic of girl with huge frizzy hair!)

Laughter

GRAHAM: That is fantastic! Ive seen topiary less impressive than that! You could clip that hair into St. Pauls! Thats fantastic! And thats your real hair?

CAROLE: (nodding) I was depressed!

ORLANDO: Im not surprised, with a head of hair like that!

Laughter

GRAHAM: What could have caused that! I dont know! (laughs) eh, now, theres Simon Le Bon- in there- in the box- and whose house is this?

CAROLE: Simon le Bons house! I used to sneak out and tell my mum I was going to Woodgreen to go to the shops, and I knew where Simon Le Bon lived, and he lived at the time in Pinna. So I used to go every weekend to Simon Le Bons , but I didnt fancy Simon Le Bon, I fancied the drummer, but he lived too far away he lived in Birmingham!

Laughter

CAROLE: So I stalked him-

GRAHAM: So you thought so you thought the drummer might be VISITING Simon Le Bon at the weekend?

CAROLE: Yeah! Ive got hundreds of photos at home of that house.

GRAHAM: Right, and the weird bit is- why is there then a picture ofhorses?

ORLANDO: (Eagerly) Mating! Theyre mating!

CAROLE: Yes

GRAHAM: Yes Orlando weve all seen that!

ORLANDO: Oh! (Smiles cutely and innocently. Cilla pats him on the arm.)

Laughter.

CAROLE: Well that was to represent cause I went to a convent and it was strict and my family were very strict Catholics so that was the hormones going along at the time- or not going along at the time!

GRAHAM: Now- were you one of those freaky girls in the playground that used to play Horse? (Slaps thigh) Doing that?

CAROLE: Well no, I waited until I was a bit older and then I did it with a motorbike and a couple of horses.

Laughter.

GRAHAM: And you think YOUVE lived, Cybill! A couple of horses and a motorbike!

(Cybill grins toothily)

GRAHAM: Look at her! No wonder her hairs fallen! Honest to god! You couldnt keep that on your head with a couple of motorbikes and a horse! There we go- (hands Cybill the box. Cilla has the shirt, Orlando has the purse. He is rummaging in it to look at the umbilical cord again.)

GRAHAM: So! If you want Cilla, Lauren and Slag Shirt to win, shout now!

Applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: If you want Orlando and Kellys Bellybutton to win shout now! (Orli holds out the purse to the camera and pulls a face.)

Louder applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: And if you want Caroline and Cybill and the Teenage Box to win shout NOW! Cybill waves the box in the air.)

Loudest applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: Come on down! Well done! Congratulations to you, owing to our lovely friends at Going Places youve won a lovely holiday to Mexico!

Cheering

GRAHAM: Well done you, congratulations have a great time take care (Kisses her). But- whats that strange aroma? I do believe its the smell of fear! Bettys date has arrived! There he is!

Charles comes out of curtains and hugs Betty.

Orli puts the purse back on the table, smiling to himself.

GRAHAM: Steady! (turns to Cilla) Do you think you need to buy a hat?

CILLA: No.

GRAHAM: Oh hes married already living in SIN  Betty!

Laughter

GRAHAM: Ooh Charles! Shes just had her hips done be careful! Well off you go, bye bye Betty and Charles, and Betty, Betty you do promise you WONT come back next week and tell us how you got on! Well done have a lovely summer! Bye! Bye! Bye! Oh! Thats it thats it! My thanks to Cilla Black Cybill Shepherd and Orlando Bloom! (Olando grins impishly)

Applause and cheering.

GRAHAM: But as usual theres so much we havent had time to talk about! No time to talk about Catherine-Zeta-Jones, who desperately wanted to come on tonights show. Well, she does like anything that has an American flavour. Hmm, well, she sucks Michaels cock!

Laughter.

GRAHAM: Thats it for the series, my thanks to everyone thats made it such fun, well see you again in the summer, until then lets dance the night away with Yes Brazil! Goodbye!

Applause and cheering. Confetti falls, dancing girls flood the stage and the original Turkish version of that Holly Valance song Kiss Kiss plays.

Orlando is looking in the purse again, standing centre stage with Cilla and Cybill. Graham cavorts around in front of him, dancing and kissing his fingers (HIS, not Orlis!) Cilla kisses Orlis cheek (an air-kiss like the French) he shows her the umbilical cord. Graham kisses his fingers and holds them out to the camera, then the credits roll.